3 More Months To Go...But Who's Counting?

I am officially one week away from my 3rd and last trimester! In only 3 more short months, I will finally get to meet the little person inside of me who has taken it upon themselves to treat my uterus like it's the Octagon. If I had a nickle for every wall slam, drop kick, and back handed punch my poor body has had to endure, I'd make Bill Gates look like he's poor.

I've read post after post from women who have kids that move once every couple hours, others who's babies are lazy and won't feel them at all for a day or two. Not me. My unborn child acts like she is getting a constant supply of PCP and tiger's blood, habits I dropped once we found out we were with child. All day and all night, she moves, jabs, flips, and tumbles... and the little mama is strong! My husband has witnessed first hand, the mighty force behind her strikes, almost freaking him out to the point where he was concerned for my safety. Thankfully she will be too big to freestyle all over my insides soon, which means I can look forward to finding feet, hands, and elbows sticking out of me like some kind of horror movie.

As the "easy months" of pregnancy wind down, I can honestly say I am only looking forward to that moment where she is in my arms. Already I can feel my bladder capacity shrinking. Half a glass of water before bed now equals 3 trips to the bathroom. Getting up requires rolling to one side. I put more lotion on my belly than Hannibal Lecter. Boobs are no longer fun bigger, they are porn star big and uncomfortable. Bending over to do anything is a joke. Old man grunts and noises are now an everyday occurrence. Being able to take a full breath is a luxury that happens few and far between.

All I want is a damn beer.

Half Way There and Losing My Mind...Literally

"By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant." -Phyllis Diller

I was seriously hoping I could blog once a week, somewhat of a digital diary to torture my kids with, but the reality of having a life kicked in, and well, who cares. I guess breaking promises starts before birth. 

Currently I am almost 5 and a half months along, and while everyone assumes you are only pregnant for 9, it's actually 10 months. The good news is once you reach this halfway marker, you physically feel great and you finally start looking pregnant. For a while there I just looked like I returned home from Freshman year of college... chubby and awkard. The "glow" I was sure I wouldn't get, is finally here. My teenage acne has subsided, my hair has gotten thicker, and my nails look amazing. In addition to the self-regulating mini spa I am now operating, the most exciting experience in pregnancy that happens around this time is being able to feel your baby move around. The first time I felt our little girl was when I was laying in bed with my dogs and husband, hands glued to my belly like always, and I felt a swift and distict little kick. A few minutes later, it happened again, and for the last 2 weeks all DAMN day. The overall sensation of feeling your kid is very alien-esque, but very sweet. 

While things are going well phsically, it is the mental part that is somewhat kicking my ass right now. I have always been a quick whitted person, sharp as a tack, and faster than a switch blade. For some reason, (I blame the hormones) and I am losing that abilty, although I am not short on insults or crude jokes. (Thank gawd! Who would I be if that happened?) Instantaneously I have become my parents... stammering over actors names I can't recall, re-telling stories a hundred times, mixing up words, forgetting where I put things, stuttering, not being able tp put together a coherant sentance, and all around just feeling like Rain Man. I can only hope for my own personal sake this isn't permanent.

Another 5 months of this should be interesting to say the least. Pray for me.

2nd Trimester Games

For once I would like to wake up and not find something on my body a different shape or color. In the beginning these nightly changes were frightening, almost tempting me to want to shower and get dressed in the dark to avoid feeling like I was a government experiment gone wrong.

Fortunately over these last few weeks, I've taken a lighter approach to this uncontrolled morphing and turned it into a game. Now I wake up each morning guessing which one of the following options will apply to me:

"Which part will be bigger today?"
"How many shades of pink and purple are there in the color wheel?"
"Why is this one out and the other one in?"
"Should this be here?"
"Where did these come from?"
"WTF!"

In my opinion, the second trimester should really be called "Carnival of Chaos". Granted your energy is back and you feel great, but every day is so much different than the one before. Some days my skin is clear, glowing, and radiant, and the next it will be covered in puberty-like pimples and shot all to hell. The size and shape of my stomach changes throughout the day, from a cute little bump in the middle of my belly, to one that sits too high or too low. Depending on it's location I either look pregnant or just out of shape. On the other hand, I will say the faster growing finger nails and the extra thick, lustrous hair are things I am appreciative of.

To all the women out there who claim to be just "loving" their 2nd trimester, I know that you wake up to the same fun mirror as I do. I'm just honest enough to admit it.

1st Trimester Hell

Many pregnancy books use phrases like, "you may feel" or "it is possible you will" or "some women have reported" to try and cushion the fact that for the first three months, you are going to feel like you are slowly dying. This was frustrating for me because I pride myself in being healthy. I eat really well, I am never sick, I don't do drugs, I don't drink anything but water and tea, I rarely have refined sugar and red meat, blah blah blah, so I assumed I would be the exception. WRONG. The long list of what you can expect in your 1st trimester includes, but is not limited to: Bloating, fatigue, nausea, acne, soreness, breast swelling and soreness, muscle aches, warmer temperatures, moodiness, spotting, cramps, backaches, headaches, frequent urination, darkening of the skin, and a predisposition to catching colds. For me the 3 that kicked my ass was the morning sickness, fatigue, and breast soreness.

The so called "morning sickness" didn't just occur in the morning...it was all day, in waves, some waves crashing harder than others. These bouts of pure puke related bliss always occurred at the most awkward times. For example, while you are in a 2 hour meeting in a room full of men and you are expected to not show in your facial expressions that you feel like you are digesting razor blades.

In addition to the nausea, the constant tiredness was something that literally drove me insane. As someone who requires little sleep, naps were a pastime long forgotten since I was 2 years old. I never understood how grown adults could just sleep away their free time on weekends or during the day. It always seemed like such a waste of time to me. When I wasn't wrestling my stomach pains, I was fighting off the feeling that I had just been slipped a date rape drug. So many afternoons I found myself purposely trying to occupy my time with chores or activities because as soon as I sat down, even if only for a minute, it was lights out. The only benefit to being a narcoleptic was the relief of my nausea while I was passed out.

The last major complaint during the first trimester was the chest boulder soreness. Most women have to deal with breast tenderness at least once a month, so I was hardly immune to this body response. In fact, this was the one symptom I did expect going into my pregnancy, I just didn't think it would have been so drastically magnified. Sleeping on my stomach became impossible, hugs unbearable, jogging and going down stairs was my new hell. Shopping for creative ways to anchor them down became an obsession. I thought of everything just shy of duct tape.

Thankfully the 2nd trimester has been nothing short of magical, a complete 180 degree turn around from the last 3 months. My advice to any newly pregnant woman is to forget about throwing yourselves a pity party. Accept your fate and hopefully your partner will be as sweet, patient, and loving as mine has been during my battles with my body.

Oh yes, this is happening. Enjoy.

Before I proceed to slap your computer monitors in the face with the truth about what it's like to be pregnant, I guess I should start off by putting the facts out there. I am in fact pregnant with my first child. My due date is March 19th, and as I head into the months that will completely hijack my body, I thought it would be therapeutic for myself, and informative to others, to offer some insight into what it is really like to be knocked up.

One of the most frustrating things about being pregnant, is seeing, hearing, and reading the endless posts about "how wonderful and blessed" women's lives are now that they are headed into motherhood, and "what exuberant joy" their lives are filled with, now that they are expecting a child. Let me just go on the record and say that is complete crap. Don't get me wrong, becoming a mother is truly one of the greatest things a woman could ever experience, but in all reality, it is also one of the most frightening and traumatic experiences too. You are basically donating your body to a mini-mad scientist that lives inside you.

My intention with this blog is to bring some humor to the pregnancy pains all women go through. If my posts can influence teenagers from appearing on MTV shows or on Maury Povich, or prevent crazy desperate broads wanting to keep their man by means of a human shackle, than this will all be a success. Fair warning though, future posts will be honest, vivid, and slightly offensive.